processing

I'm not usually a blogaholic like this, but I'm trying to process all the thoughts and emotions that are churning through my brain, my heart, and my stomach.

I wish I could be a robot sometimes. Not have feelings. Just functioning, unattached.

But I'm not. I cry. I get angry. I get scared.

I feel like I'm designed to always let go of the good thing in search of something different or more, that isn't really better after all. I just hope I don't do that this weekend, before I give whatever this is the chance to stretch its legs.

Although there's danger in that. It could get legs, and then I'm moving away from the very place and direction I want to/should be going.

I know I'm overthinking everything. Could the voices in my head be quiet for a few minutes, hours, days? Maybe then I could get some peace.

brave

I am mustering the courage to be brave here. I am starting to have some revelations, and I'm trying to sort out if they are mine, or if they are influenced by the opinions of others.

I have feelings for two very different people. Where one zigs, the other zags. And vice versa. Is it really as simple as determining which "set" of stuff is most important? Or are there other factors to take into account? I am totally clueless on this one.

One totally (or at least mostly) lacks on commitment and interpersonal skills. He doesn't mean to, and he's incredibly sweet, but there are times when he misses the mark. By a mile. But, he shares my faith and some of my vision for the future. He gets me at a heart/spiritual level.

The other excels at commitment, attention to detail, and the little things that make you smile. He says the right things, does the right things, and thinks I hang the moon. But he doesn't share my faith and I am beginning to seriously doubt he could ever share my vision for the future.

So, do I give up the sure thing - the one who's in the game - for the one who gets me at the deepest level? Or do I forsake the one who shares the vision for the one who'd climb a skyscraper if I asked him to? Is it possible for either of these two to gain at least some of what the other has?

Lord, give me the courage to admit how I really feel and do the right thing. Whatever that is.

torn

This past weekend was one of progress for me. I was able to finally clear the air with a friend of mine, get things out in the open where they should be, so we can be on our way to a healthy relationship. It was exactly what I was hoping for.

Or was it?

Now that we've cleared the air, I have this feeling of...something. I can't decide if it's dread that now that the air is clear what I probably always knew is indeed true. Or hope that we didn't slam into a brick wall after all. Or this feeling of being totally out of control of things. I can't shake feeling unsettled, and I wonder if part of it relates to anxiety that's building for the weekend ahead. What if things go really poorly? What if things go really well? What if at the end of the weekend I end up back at square one. Alone. With my heart in my hands.

Hold on...I'm having an anxiety attack.

new lenses

No I didn't get new glasses. Nor do I need them (yet).

But since this past weekend, I can sense that I am seeing the world through new eyes.

Up until last weekend I was spending each week trudging through the muck of work and indecision and uncertainty. I was existing for Friday night, filling my Saturdays with monotonous chores, and spending Sunday afternoons dreading the concept of the dawn of another work week. Hours were filled with doubt and frustration.

This week starts a new view of things. Granted I'm still happy it's Friday and glad for a couple of days off. But I feel as though I've regained my life. The doubt and frustration have been replaced with happiness and confidence. Because I know that there is someone out there who is thinking of me, who cares that I have a good day, and is looking for ways to make the 5 hours between us seem more like a bridge than a chasm.

More than anything, I'm glad that I've learned that I deserve to be happy. Not in that, I've paid my dues, look at me sort of way. But God doesn't want us to spend life moping about. He wants our eyes to be bright with the wonder of creation...not just nature, but with at least some of the people He's put on this earth. How else will we be able to see and know the love He feels for us?

It's a great view.

cloud 10

I learned a very important lesson over the weekend. Surround yourself with people who make you want to be better, who make you feel valued for the way you are, and who care about you when you screw up.

This was a good weekend for me. Full of revelations and epiphanies. I learned that I can stand on my own two feet. And that the mistakes I made in the past, are in the past. I can't change them, and anyone who would judge me for them isn't truly a friend anyway. And I got to feel what it's like to come alive and feel vital.

I want to keep feeling like this. Like a butterfly, a newly-opened flower. And I don't want the fear that the feeling is going to end to keep me from becoming who I'm meant to be.

overflowing

Have you ever had so many different emotions coursing through your body that you felt like if someone touched you they'd get a shock?

That's how I'm feeling.

I'm excited. A new friend is coming to town this weekend. There are lots of questions to be asked and answered.

I'm disappointed. An old friend, one I thought was going to be around for a while, is MIA. So I'm mourning the loss of a companion.

I'm tired. I feel like I've been running a marathon these past 2 weeks. I just need a break.

I'm scared. What if everything falls apart?

But I have to remember. God is the blessed Controller of ALL things. The good stuff, the bad stuff, the fun stuff, the scary stuff, the clear stuff, the unclear stuff. And His hand is in this, His eyes are watching, and He won't let me out of His grasp.

So...I will trust. I will be still and KNOW that He is God. I will listen to His voice as He whispers. And know that no matter how this weekend turns out, He knew about it all along.