long time, no talk

So it's been awhile since I posted anything. Not that there's been nothing to say. Just busy.

I won't let it happen again.

Things have been sort of topsy-turvey in the far country here of late. The person I thought was going to be a landmark in my country fell off the planet. And someone I thought was just visiting might decide to plant roots here after all. We'll see.

I'm scared. The nervous, excited kind of scared you feel when something is new and has potential and you don't want to see it explode into a fireball the size of the Milky Way right in front of your eyes. I'll keep you posted.

I'm also a little disturbed. I'm not as bothered by the loss of the former plant/landmark as I thought I would be. Perhaps things have just disintegrated so much that there's nothing left to feel. Is that bad? Are my walls of protection erecting themselves? Reinforcing themselves? I don't want to close myself 0ff from something that could be really good.

I just hope if those are walls I'm building, that there's a space in there somewhere for a door or window or something. Or this country is gonna be mighty desolate.

lover's holiday

Valentine's is always sort of an odd holiday for me. It was created by a card company, and the only people who can really appreciate the celebration of it are those who have a significant other in their life.

Me, I've had a "significant other" in one sense of the word for a while now. But our significance is definitely more plutonic than romantic. So I had no idea what to expect going into Valentine's. And it's probably a good idea. Because if I had had expectations about that person, they would have been miserably unmet.

But the day wasn't a loss by any means. A new friend, who seems to want to be more a significant than an other, decided to start to make his presence known. Not in an over-the-top stalker kind of way. But in a sweet, makes-you-smile sort of way.

It should be clear which one is significant and which one is an other, but it's more complicated than that. There are feelings involved. There are unanswered questions. And there is the fear that I will make the wrong decision. That I will stick with the logical "right" one and keep being disappointed.

Why is this the sort of decision I have to make? Surely there's another choice.

pilgrim

we are pilgrims on a journey...

I don't know why, but I was thinking about this line today. In less than 48 hours I'm going to be transplanted from my normal, everyday routine into the midst of the Big Apple. I'm not a city girl. I mean, I like a good city. But for the long haul, I'm much more of a leave-me-alone kind of person.

But I just have a feeling that, like when you go anywhere you haven't been before (or at least in a while), I'll come back different. Refreshed. I hope so. Restored. Possibly. Ready to embrace where my life is going (wherever that is). I have to.

So here's hoping that my next post reflects someone who's actually let herself be molded by experience, instead of the other way around.

faith to be strong

I was reading something online this morning, and the person referenced this song.

I can definitely relate these lyrics. I've been fighting some sort of creepy crawly crud this week, so I'm definitely feeling weary and weak and tired and fragile.

But God.

But God has filled my week with emails and phone calls and visits with friends who love me, who make me want to be strong. They make me want to keep going when I feel like giving up. They are tangible representations of God's love and touch in my life, and I couldn't be more thankful for them.

I am blessed.