rain, rain go away

today is the 6th day in a row of overcast skies and/or thunderstorms. i know we need the rain for nourishing the ground (and my fledgling garden) but i am starting to crave the sunlight again. i think the lack of natural vitamin d is making me sleepy and lethargic.

or maybe i'm just really ready for vacation.

there's a mouse in my house!

i think.

so last night, i'm on the phone unloading my day when across the room i see my mom waving her arms wildly and pointing down at my feet.

i know my toenail polish is badly chipped, but is that sort of reaction really necessary?

apparently some animal scurried behind my feet while i was chatting away. she thought it was a mouse. so we traipsed across town to buy traps at 10:30pm. we filled the little covered ones with peanut butter and laid out some plain old vats of poisonous glue. and then we went to bed with high hopes of our trapping ability.

the traps were empty and untripped this morning. i asked for confirmation.

"was it furry?"

"i think so."

"what color was it?"

"dark brown, i think."

"did it waddle like a rodent?"

"i don't think so. i don't remember it having legs."

"did it have a tail?"

"not that i remember."

do you see what i'm seeing? an awful lot of "i think so" comments, and not that much confirmation.

so now we think it was some other type of creature minding its own business. but that doesn't exactly make me happy to think of walking in my kitchen in bare feet. and there is nothing more depressing than having to wear shoes in one's own kitchen.

i hope we catch whatever it was soon. or that it at least relocates. permanently.

time and space

I just got back from a trip through the heart of the country. I got to see real mountains, real wildlife, and the inspiration for one of the most patriotic songs of all time, "America the Beautiful."

I was struck again by the amazing beauty of our country. As one of my favorite singers once wrote, "the mountains sing Your glory hallelujahs / the canyons echo sweet amazing grace...I've got nothing to say."

I took about a million pictures while I was there (okay, not literally, but I certainly wasn't shy with the trigger finger). And I realized that as much as I love overseas travel and hope to do more of it, I am home here. In this country. Not forever home. But in this time and in this space, this is where I am called. To do what, I don't know.

The time away gave me a chance to consider and pray about the decisions I have ahead of me. In my last post I talked about being at the edge of reason. Probably a bit of an exaggeration (and a loose use of a Bridget Jones movie title) but I said it. It's not entirely true, however.

If I was actually at the edge of reason, I'd have all these rational reasons to choose something that makes (or doesn't make, depending on your point of view) sense. But the truth is that there is Truth to be shared.

My love for God hasn't changed. Nor has my desire to live a life that is right in His sight. But my heart does ache with a burden to see this special person see his need for Christ.

A couple weeks ago my friend Amy and I were talking about spiritual gifts. And my heart swells with all that he could do if the kindness he shows today were transformed into mercy rooted in the love of Christ. And I can't think of a better reason to get on my knees now and pray for just that.

at the edge of reason

I'm in a weird place. Okay, at this moment I am thousands of miles from home, so it's weird (sort of) in a literal sense. But I'm also in a sort of weird place emotionally.

Earlier in this blog I explained a predicament I was going through. Weighing two different scenarios...two people...two attitudes...two choices. One would be positive, one would be negative.

All through the decision-making process I agonized. Was this the right thing? What if [insert situation/comment here] happened? How would that impact my decision. I prayed. I solicited advice from friends and mentors. And ever so slowly, the answer emerged.

I invited someone to be a part of my life. Not like an invitation with a card and envelope and RSVP card (although I guess you could do that if you wanted to). But gradually, subtly. I chose to be honest at the risk of my privacy and at the risk of my freedom, and at the risk of losing the actual person. I didn't hide when I was scared or hurt or mad. I shared when I was happy or sad. I listened and made this person's concerns my own.

And all the reason that originally led me to build high walls started to evaporate. There are still issues to resolve and differences that have to be bridged.

So I find myself at a precipice, as it were. Almost like standing on a river bed, close enough to put my foot in the water, but far enough to stay dry. And the next move is mine. I keep asking myself how to be firm in my convictions without seeming inflexible or uncaring. How do I help him to see what I believe and why I believe it without feeling like I'm forcing him to adopt a belief system or way of life that is not his own? How do I show righteousness while I'm showing compassion when the two seem at odds? Could an intellectual stand close a spiritual door? I don't know; that's why I'm asking.

I am at the edge of reason. My head sees all the ways I need to be cautious. My heart sees what could be. I honestly don't know what to do or say. I need real wisdom. In a matter of days I will be forced to face some of the issues that have me standing at the edge of the cliff.

Part of me is scared to death that I'm going to chicken out and run away. But part of me really wants to jump because I believe that He will catch me.

bloggy blog blog blog

So I completely fell off the blog wagon, didn't I? I just got so caught up with life in the far country that I didn't really write about it.

But what a great month and a half it's been. I've been to Charlotte, and I'm just a few days away from heading west to Denver. But I've also been taking time to evaluate just what I'm doing and where I'm going. Am I bound to go overseas? To stay here? Do I have another career (or two) ahead of me, or is this where I'm to be.

I don't have all the answers, but I'll let you know as the revelations come.

venting

This has been a trying day thusfar. So far I've wanted to kill about 3 people and quit my job twice. I don't know why I am so frustrated. I know I'm tired. Which is probably part of it. But I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can even hear me. I just want to go home.

It's as simple as that. No more words necessary.

God's will

I'm revelling a little bit. Or reeling. Or both.

For some reason, I've been procrastinating about looking at opportunities to work in Charlotte. I don't know why. There would be some pretty good company there, if I chose to go. And the town seems nice.

So tonight, I did a couple of random searches. And what did I uncover almost immediately? The need for a WRITER at a non-profit, Christian organization. I know it isn't fate or coincidence that I would come across it, but why tonight? What is God trying to tell me about this place, the person, this timing.

I don't want to miss His voice. Pray I don't miss His voice.

Rebecca needs...

My friend Steph did this exercise on her blog. She googled her name and the word "needs" and posted the first 10 things that came up. So I followed her lead, and these are my needs (according toGoogle):

Rebecca needs enlightenment
(so that's why I've been feeling so in the dark recently! Can someone please enlighten me? Oprah, are you there?)

Rebecca needs support around her educational goals
(In what way, I'm not exactly sure. Money maybe?)

Rebecca needs to find out...
(Something, I just don't know what it is. So if I find out what I need to find out, I'll let you know.)

Rebecca needs a family that is structured and consistent
(I thought I had that...)

Rebecca needs your help today!
(Unbeknownst to me, I'm running for political office)

Rebecca needs just one good, meaty, dramatic role and the chances of her skyrocketing to fame will increase tenfold
(I'm so glad I got this tip! Question - does my current job count? It's certainly got it's dramatic days.)

Rebecca needs your help to remain this side of the sanity line
(possibly true...)

Rebecca needs to choose a database
(I'm afraid to ask of what.)

Rebecca needs to vent
(I'm glad that someone else realizes I have a lot on my mind.)

Rebecca needs acting
(Why be yourself when you can play someone else?)

So now I wonder what some other people in my life "need"?

nerves of nerf

My life is not exciting. Get up. Work. Work out. Watch TV. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

So it's hard to come up with stuff to write here. The drama that was about a year of my life...not so much. It's resolved. And the steely resolve that situation gave me has started to wear off. So now my nerves of steel are squishy. Are they in need of exercise? Maybe. But nevertheless they are being tested.

Saturday (less than 2 days from now) I am meeting some pretty important people. They aren't professional athletes, actors, the George W.'s, or anyone famous to the world. But they're pretty important to someone who's pretty important to me.

I've been told not to stress about it or worry about it. And I know that I shouldn't. But it's important that I make a good impression. So until I meet them I'm going to stress and worry and hyperventilate. Then I'll be fine.

And the biggest obstacle I'll have to overcome is what to wear to work on Monday.

update

I was wrong.

I was just reading a previous post where I was pro/con-ing two people in my life. I said "I seriously doubt this person could ever share my vision for the future."

I think I spoke too soon.

Stay tuned.

hope discovered?

I didn't realize until today that it's been almost a month since I put some thoughts on here. I know I said it had been crazy before, but this time I mean it.

I am still recovering from my trip to Seattle last week. It was amazing to see a completely new part of the country, feel the chilly Pacific Ocean comb through my fingers, and be out of the forest of work and life. It brought clarity, which I know is ironic considering it's Seattle, where everyone says it rains ALL the time (news flash: it doesn't).

But it brought clarity nonetheless. I was reminded again that all the emotional stuff I've had to deal with over the past 8 months or so is finally resolved. And I am free to move forward, with my head held high, confident that there are people in my life who are in my corner, cheering me on. I can see the significance that I've always had, but have never allowed myself to see. Thanks to some pretty special people, led by one in particular.

So hopefully that means that the tone of this blog will take on that for which it was originally intended. Longing. Not for someone's attention, or relief from the ache of the past. But a joyous hope for heaven, surrounded by friends and family who echo the chorus. This is my goal.

holy week

It's Friday on the holiest week of the year. As Christians, we are supposed to take this day to stop and reflect on where Jesus was on a Friday two millenia ago.

A couple of weeks ago in church the speaker asked some people to stand in the aisle and slowly raise their arms to their shoulders on either side. As I watched those people take that action, I was overwhelmed at the visual picture of what my Savior must have looked like hanging from those two pieces of wood. He was exposed, out there for everyone to see. In shame. In agony. For stuff that I've done.

When I stop to think about the shame, pain, and agony that I have experienced in my life, it is merely a shadow in comparison to what He must have borne on that day.

I was trying to think about what it must have been like for the people on that Friday when everything was completely black. Were they scared? Confused? Sad? What a clear picture of the grief that God must have felt knowing that He had let His only Son take my place.

I know what it's like to feel like your world is black. But that must have been something else.

Thank goodness I know how the story ends. I can't wait for Sunday.

processing

I'm not usually a blogaholic like this, but I'm trying to process all the thoughts and emotions that are churning through my brain, my heart, and my stomach.

I wish I could be a robot sometimes. Not have feelings. Just functioning, unattached.

But I'm not. I cry. I get angry. I get scared.

I feel like I'm designed to always let go of the good thing in search of something different or more, that isn't really better after all. I just hope I don't do that this weekend, before I give whatever this is the chance to stretch its legs.

Although there's danger in that. It could get legs, and then I'm moving away from the very place and direction I want to/should be going.

I know I'm overthinking everything. Could the voices in my head be quiet for a few minutes, hours, days? Maybe then I could get some peace.

brave

I am mustering the courage to be brave here. I am starting to have some revelations, and I'm trying to sort out if they are mine, or if they are influenced by the opinions of others.

I have feelings for two very different people. Where one zigs, the other zags. And vice versa. Is it really as simple as determining which "set" of stuff is most important? Or are there other factors to take into account? I am totally clueless on this one.

One totally (or at least mostly) lacks on commitment and interpersonal skills. He doesn't mean to, and he's incredibly sweet, but there are times when he misses the mark. By a mile. But, he shares my faith and some of my vision for the future. He gets me at a heart/spiritual level.

The other excels at commitment, attention to detail, and the little things that make you smile. He says the right things, does the right things, and thinks I hang the moon. But he doesn't share my faith and I am beginning to seriously doubt he could ever share my vision for the future.

So, do I give up the sure thing - the one who's in the game - for the one who gets me at the deepest level? Or do I forsake the one who shares the vision for the one who'd climb a skyscraper if I asked him to? Is it possible for either of these two to gain at least some of what the other has?

Lord, give me the courage to admit how I really feel and do the right thing. Whatever that is.

torn

This past weekend was one of progress for me. I was able to finally clear the air with a friend of mine, get things out in the open where they should be, so we can be on our way to a healthy relationship. It was exactly what I was hoping for.

Or was it?

Now that we've cleared the air, I have this feeling of...something. I can't decide if it's dread that now that the air is clear what I probably always knew is indeed true. Or hope that we didn't slam into a brick wall after all. Or this feeling of being totally out of control of things. I can't shake feeling unsettled, and I wonder if part of it relates to anxiety that's building for the weekend ahead. What if things go really poorly? What if things go really well? What if at the end of the weekend I end up back at square one. Alone. With my heart in my hands.

Hold on...I'm having an anxiety attack.

new lenses

No I didn't get new glasses. Nor do I need them (yet).

But since this past weekend, I can sense that I am seeing the world through new eyes.

Up until last weekend I was spending each week trudging through the muck of work and indecision and uncertainty. I was existing for Friday night, filling my Saturdays with monotonous chores, and spending Sunday afternoons dreading the concept of the dawn of another work week. Hours were filled with doubt and frustration.

This week starts a new view of things. Granted I'm still happy it's Friday and glad for a couple of days off. But I feel as though I've regained my life. The doubt and frustration have been replaced with happiness and confidence. Because I know that there is someone out there who is thinking of me, who cares that I have a good day, and is looking for ways to make the 5 hours between us seem more like a bridge than a chasm.

More than anything, I'm glad that I've learned that I deserve to be happy. Not in that, I've paid my dues, look at me sort of way. But God doesn't want us to spend life moping about. He wants our eyes to be bright with the wonder of creation...not just nature, but with at least some of the people He's put on this earth. How else will we be able to see and know the love He feels for us?

It's a great view.

cloud 10

I learned a very important lesson over the weekend. Surround yourself with people who make you want to be better, who make you feel valued for the way you are, and who care about you when you screw up.

This was a good weekend for me. Full of revelations and epiphanies. I learned that I can stand on my own two feet. And that the mistakes I made in the past, are in the past. I can't change them, and anyone who would judge me for them isn't truly a friend anyway. And I got to feel what it's like to come alive and feel vital.

I want to keep feeling like this. Like a butterfly, a newly-opened flower. And I don't want the fear that the feeling is going to end to keep me from becoming who I'm meant to be.

overflowing

Have you ever had so many different emotions coursing through your body that you felt like if someone touched you they'd get a shock?

That's how I'm feeling.

I'm excited. A new friend is coming to town this weekend. There are lots of questions to be asked and answered.

I'm disappointed. An old friend, one I thought was going to be around for a while, is MIA. So I'm mourning the loss of a companion.

I'm tired. I feel like I've been running a marathon these past 2 weeks. I just need a break.

I'm scared. What if everything falls apart?

But I have to remember. God is the blessed Controller of ALL things. The good stuff, the bad stuff, the fun stuff, the scary stuff, the clear stuff, the unclear stuff. And His hand is in this, His eyes are watching, and He won't let me out of His grasp.

So...I will trust. I will be still and KNOW that He is God. I will listen to His voice as He whispers. And know that no matter how this weekend turns out, He knew about it all along.

long time, no talk

So it's been awhile since I posted anything. Not that there's been nothing to say. Just busy.

I won't let it happen again.

Things have been sort of topsy-turvey in the far country here of late. The person I thought was going to be a landmark in my country fell off the planet. And someone I thought was just visiting might decide to plant roots here after all. We'll see.

I'm scared. The nervous, excited kind of scared you feel when something is new and has potential and you don't want to see it explode into a fireball the size of the Milky Way right in front of your eyes. I'll keep you posted.

I'm also a little disturbed. I'm not as bothered by the loss of the former plant/landmark as I thought I would be. Perhaps things have just disintegrated so much that there's nothing left to feel. Is that bad? Are my walls of protection erecting themselves? Reinforcing themselves? I don't want to close myself 0ff from something that could be really good.

I just hope if those are walls I'm building, that there's a space in there somewhere for a door or window or something. Or this country is gonna be mighty desolate.

lover's holiday

Valentine's is always sort of an odd holiday for me. It was created by a card company, and the only people who can really appreciate the celebration of it are those who have a significant other in their life.

Me, I've had a "significant other" in one sense of the word for a while now. But our significance is definitely more plutonic than romantic. So I had no idea what to expect going into Valentine's. And it's probably a good idea. Because if I had had expectations about that person, they would have been miserably unmet.

But the day wasn't a loss by any means. A new friend, who seems to want to be more a significant than an other, decided to start to make his presence known. Not in an over-the-top stalker kind of way. But in a sweet, makes-you-smile sort of way.

It should be clear which one is significant and which one is an other, but it's more complicated than that. There are feelings involved. There are unanswered questions. And there is the fear that I will make the wrong decision. That I will stick with the logical "right" one and keep being disappointed.

Why is this the sort of decision I have to make? Surely there's another choice.

pilgrim

we are pilgrims on a journey...

I don't know why, but I was thinking about this line today. In less than 48 hours I'm going to be transplanted from my normal, everyday routine into the midst of the Big Apple. I'm not a city girl. I mean, I like a good city. But for the long haul, I'm much more of a leave-me-alone kind of person.

But I just have a feeling that, like when you go anywhere you haven't been before (or at least in a while), I'll come back different. Refreshed. I hope so. Restored. Possibly. Ready to embrace where my life is going (wherever that is). I have to.

So here's hoping that my next post reflects someone who's actually let herself be molded by experience, instead of the other way around.

faith to be strong

I was reading something online this morning, and the person referenced this song.

I can definitely relate these lyrics. I've been fighting some sort of creepy crawly crud this week, so I'm definitely feeling weary and weak and tired and fragile.

But God.

But God has filled my week with emails and phone calls and visits with friends who love me, who make me want to be strong. They make me want to keep going when I feel like giving up. They are tangible representations of God's love and touch in my life, and I couldn't be more thankful for them.

I am blessed.

licking my wounds

Have you ever had a weekend where everything was great...until Sunday night? And that one thing changed the perspective of a perfectly good weekend into one that...there's no other word for this...sucked? Me too.

The thing that I hate about it is that I can't shake the negative feeling - the feeling of dread - that it's left me with. And that makes me vacillate between despair, anger, frustration, and pain. Until I'm numb. Nothing. Completely mute to the whole emotion of it all. Surely this isn't how life is meant to be. No matter how much our parents deceived us into thinking life could be puppies and flowers, is it really supposed to hurt this much?

I just don't even want to be here anymore. And that's no good.

it should be friday

I have had to correct myself on what day it is way too many times today. It should be Friday. It's unbelievably frigid outside (okay, not really, but when it was 73 on Sunday, the fact that it's 33 seems a little surreal), I am in need of a long weekend, and I just want to be somewhere else. Although, tomorrow's gonna roll around and I'm not going to know what to do with myself.

I am clinging desperately onto a balanced perspective to keep myself from wallowing in the pool of pity that my toes have been itching to dip themselves in for the past few days (if I'm honest, it's been longer than that). I'm tired of being the patient one. I'm tired of being the understanding one. I know it's selfish, but I want to feel like I matter to someone. And right now I feel like I could drop off the face of the earth and NOT A SOUL would notice or care.

This is not a good place to be. I need to "pull the tires out of the mud and search for some green grass." And that's not easy when you're tired.

hollywoodland

No this isn't a post about the sign in L.A. Or the Ben Affleck movie.

I was just trying to think about where the roots of discontent are. Do they start as kernels in my mind, planted there by other people? By books? And more often than not I think they are rooted in entertainment.

I can't count how many movies I've watched (some more than times than I want to admit) that paint a picture of the life I long for. One that includes a Mr. Right, and a couple/few wee ones who are always angels and make life meaningful...or at least comical. And in every one of those movies the right guy comes along at the right time. He says the right stuff, and if he screws up, he delivers the perfect apology.

See the problem with being a writer, or someone who likes to play with words for a living, is that in my head I can hear the perfect script all day long. I say this, he says that. And we live happily ever after. Cause it's a formula like that, right?

But in reality, he says the wrong thing, I say the wrong thing, or I deliver my lines wrong, and I walk away wondering "What the heck..?!"

It's just so hard to find contentment when it seems that pretty much everyone around you has what you're longing for. I know that's not really the case, but isn't that always the way at the movies?

all about me

I debated whether I should title this entry something so self-serving and self-focused as "all about me" - but it reflects a new direction of thinking. Not that I have neglected myself in the past or anything, or that I think the universe should revolve around me (shouldn't it? - kidding), but that one of the things I have resolved for 2007 (yes - I made a resolution) is that I am going to focus on the things that matter to me, to not let my dreams sit on the back burner waiting to see what other people think or do. I am going to pursue the doors in front and around me...see if they're open, see where they go...

So here's to a new year, and a life where Jesus actually is the center, the place I fix my eyes.

"I will lift up my eyes unto the hills, where my help comes from." Ps. 121:1