Have you ever had a weekend where everything was great...until Sunday night? And that one thing changed the perspective of a perfectly good weekend into one that...there's no other word for this...sucked? Me too.
The thing that I hate about it is that I can't shake the negative feeling - the feeling of dread - that it's left me with. And that makes me vacillate between despair, anger, frustration, and pain. Until I'm numb. Nothing. Completely mute to the whole emotion of it all. Surely this isn't how life is meant to be. No matter how much our parents deceived us into thinking life could be puppies and flowers, is it really supposed to hurt this much?
I just don't even want to be here anymore. And that's no good.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
it should be friday
I have had to correct myself on what day it is way too many times today. It should be Friday. It's unbelievably frigid outside (okay, not really, but when it was 73 on Sunday, the fact that it's 33 seems a little surreal), I am in need of a long weekend, and I just want to be somewhere else. Although, tomorrow's gonna roll around and I'm not going to know what to do with myself.
I am clinging desperately onto a balanced perspective to keep myself from wallowing in the pool of pity that my toes have been itching to dip themselves in for the past few days (if I'm honest, it's been longer than that). I'm tired of being the patient one. I'm tired of being the understanding one. I know it's selfish, but I want to feel like I matter to someone. And right now I feel like I could drop off the face of the earth and NOT A SOUL would notice or care.
This is not a good place to be. I need to "pull the tires out of the mud and search for some green grass." And that's not easy when you're tired.
I am clinging desperately onto a balanced perspective to keep myself from wallowing in the pool of pity that my toes have been itching to dip themselves in for the past few days (if I'm honest, it's been longer than that). I'm tired of being the patient one. I'm tired of being the understanding one. I know it's selfish, but I want to feel like I matter to someone. And right now I feel like I could drop off the face of the earth and NOT A SOUL would notice or care.
This is not a good place to be. I need to "pull the tires out of the mud and search for some green grass." And that's not easy when you're tired.
Monday, January 15, 2007
hollywoodland
No this isn't a post about the sign in L.A. Or the Ben Affleck movie.
I was just trying to think about where the roots of discontent are. Do they start as kernels in my mind, planted there by other people? By books? And more often than not I think they are rooted in entertainment.
I can't count how many movies I've watched (some more than times than I want to admit) that paint a picture of the life I long for. One that includes a Mr. Right, and a couple/few wee ones who are always angels and make life meaningful...or at least comical. And in every one of those movies the right guy comes along at the right time. He says the right stuff, and if he screws up, he delivers the perfect apology.
See the problem with being a writer, or someone who likes to play with words for a living, is that in my head I can hear the perfect script all day long. I say this, he says that. And we live happily ever after. Cause it's a formula like that, right?
But in reality, he says the wrong thing, I say the wrong thing, or I deliver my lines wrong, and I walk away wondering "What the heck..?!"
It's just so hard to find contentment when it seems that pretty much everyone around you has what you're longing for. I know that's not really the case, but isn't that always the way at the movies?
I was just trying to think about where the roots of discontent are. Do they start as kernels in my mind, planted there by other people? By books? And more often than not I think they are rooted in entertainment.
I can't count how many movies I've watched (some more than times than I want to admit) that paint a picture of the life I long for. One that includes a Mr. Right, and a couple/few wee ones who are always angels and make life meaningful...or at least comical. And in every one of those movies the right guy comes along at the right time. He says the right stuff, and if he screws up, he delivers the perfect apology.
See the problem with being a writer, or someone who likes to play with words for a living, is that in my head I can hear the perfect script all day long. I say this, he says that. And we live happily ever after. Cause it's a formula like that, right?
But in reality, he says the wrong thing, I say the wrong thing, or I deliver my lines wrong, and I walk away wondering "What the heck..?!"
It's just so hard to find contentment when it seems that pretty much everyone around you has what you're longing for. I know that's not really the case, but isn't that always the way at the movies?
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
all about me
I debated whether I should title this entry something so self-serving and self-focused as "all about me" - but it reflects a new direction of thinking. Not that I have neglected myself in the past or anything, or that I think the universe should revolve around me (shouldn't it? - kidding), but that one of the things I have resolved for 2007 (yes - I made a resolution) is that I am going to focus on the things that matter to me, to not let my dreams sit on the back burner waiting to see what other people think or do. I am going to pursue the doors in front and around me...see if they're open, see where they go...
So here's to a new year, and a life where Jesus actually is the center, the place I fix my eyes.
"I will lift up my eyes unto the hills, where my help comes from." Ps. 121:1
So here's to a new year, and a life where Jesus actually is the center, the place I fix my eyes.
"I will lift up my eyes unto the hills, where my help comes from." Ps. 121:1
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