at the edge of reason

I'm in a weird place. Okay, at this moment I am thousands of miles from home, so it's weird (sort of) in a literal sense. But I'm also in a sort of weird place emotionally.

Earlier in this blog I explained a predicament I was going through. Weighing two different scenarios...two people...two attitudes...two choices. One would be positive, one would be negative.

All through the decision-making process I agonized. Was this the right thing? What if [insert situation/comment here] happened? How would that impact my decision. I prayed. I solicited advice from friends and mentors. And ever so slowly, the answer emerged.

I invited someone to be a part of my life. Not like an invitation with a card and envelope and RSVP card (although I guess you could do that if you wanted to). But gradually, subtly. I chose to be honest at the risk of my privacy and at the risk of my freedom, and at the risk of losing the actual person. I didn't hide when I was scared or hurt or mad. I shared when I was happy or sad. I listened and made this person's concerns my own.

And all the reason that originally led me to build high walls started to evaporate. There are still issues to resolve and differences that have to be bridged.

So I find myself at a precipice, as it were. Almost like standing on a river bed, close enough to put my foot in the water, but far enough to stay dry. And the next move is mine. I keep asking myself how to be firm in my convictions without seeming inflexible or uncaring. How do I help him to see what I believe and why I believe it without feeling like I'm forcing him to adopt a belief system or way of life that is not his own? How do I show righteousness while I'm showing compassion when the two seem at odds? Could an intellectual stand close a spiritual door? I don't know; that's why I'm asking.

I am at the edge of reason. My head sees all the ways I need to be cautious. My heart sees what could be. I honestly don't know what to do or say. I need real wisdom. In a matter of days I will be forced to face some of the issues that have me standing at the edge of the cliff.

Part of me is scared to death that I'm going to chicken out and run away. But part of me really wants to jump because I believe that He will catch me.